The first three phases of the journey for most doctors are what the system expects. Finding the goals, building the armor, and selfishly plotting on how to get them in what is most appreciated in doctors. That determination will help you get far in your career. Understanding that diagnosis, finding that abnormal lab level, process the perfect treatment – every patient will love what you do and you will become that perfect doctor. This comes at a great cost. The next steps of that journey will create an inner peace that will move the goal of being the perfect doctor to being a great human.
PHASE 4: CLOWNFISH
Burnout changed everything
Burnout taught me something medical school never did. I couldn’t heal alone. I was swimming along as the shark – focused like a laser on my perfectionism. And then, my father died. Interestingly enough, one of my patients had died by suicide months before. The mother seemed to have a great deal of family and therapeutic support and appeared to be doing well. I was a shell of myself realizing the shark has bitten me! One minute, focused intensely on the work I was doing with a patient – a skill I had learned from being the shark – to zoning out while doing paperwork. From being the perfect doctor to being the perfect mask of myself. The following year, I became an attending and put all my energy into writing the perfect note. Next came the happiest moments of my life – marriage followed by the birth of my child. Then came burned out! (see “Being a Good Doctor As a Parent”). The dedication to becoming the ideal psychiatrist led to inadequacy everywhere else. Then, I become the clownfish.
No man (or doctor) is an island
According to “Diving Deep into Character: Understanding Fish-Inspired Personality Archetypes”, the clownfish sees teamwork as an important attribute in order to “adapt to various environments, understanding and adjusting to different social dynamics” – allow the team to help. I checked every professional box … and I lost everything around me! Slowly, from the homegoing of my father to my own burnout, came the homegoing of my identity. My need to find connection was finally fully understood. The executive coach I began working with helped me find my priorities again, illustrating the true power of physician coaching. With that guidance, I re-established my boundaries. I reconnected to my family and friends again. Lastly, and most significantly, I found a purpose. It was not easy or fast, but the clownfish prevailed. And so will you!
PHASE 5: ANGELFISH
Coaching Saved Me!
After years of appreciating the connection with others, it is time to recognize what was truly important. At first, you recognize that family and friends are more important to all the perfectionism of being a doctor. But you don’t fully appreciate it. At least, that was what happened to me! My priorities were redistributed and I chose to focus on my life differently. Was it a change in mindset…a change in structure…a change in direction? It is a different reason for everyone, but something causes a deeper push towards the next phase. Angelfish…”prioritize meaningful and deep relationships, choosing quality connections over quantity”. The priority was family and then friends. Physician perfection caused both to be lost. Now, after years of concentrating on that one solitary goal, it was time to reconnect with friends and family with intention. Moving from the occasional text to the standing appointment to have a dinner with a friend. From sneaking in that hug from a loved one to feeling the full embrace of your child or your partner. Executive coaching helped me to reconnect to what was truly important.
CONCLUSION
Remember when you were young and you were the calm observer? That is how my journey started. Although my journey started as the goldfish—an archetype of calmness, balance, and mindful observation, the final phase of a doctor’s true development is the ability to observe but with the wisdom and contemplation of the angelfish. Some of you may have decades of experience that lead you to sitting in that very comfortable chair looking at my personal aquarium, acting as the now wise observer—a state of peace that is difficult to fully comprehend when you are still swimming upstream.
As a child, I sat quietly in front of an aquarium, captivated by goldfish moving peacefully through the water. Those fish inspired me to become a doctor. Years later, I realized they were teaching me something far more important. Although swimming upstream is a challenge that can teach so much, peaceful swimming will lead to the most wisdom. As I imagine my life at a different level, and I am busy trying to do greater things in my life, I look forward to the day in which I can walk through the world observing my life mindfully. Hopefully, you will be able to join me in that quest! See you in the rocking chair! If you are interested in peer support with colleagues who get it, our FREE physician and medical student-only groups are available here.
