2020 was the year of the twin pandemics of systemic racism and COVID-19. Like the world, I was riveted and scared about my role as a father after seeing the death of George Floyd. Seeing the traumatic repeated scenes of his slow demise, not only led to my thoughts about his short life, but of the life of all the people he touched including his own family. After that, the role of a physician became less important, and my role as a parent became paramount. The lessons in the previous article about managing my role as a doctor were crucial. The most important lesson, however, was how my role as a parent would make me a better physician.
IT’S AT HOME TOO!
As a physician-in-training, I always got those calls from a friend with a picture and a question about a rash. As a psychiatrist, I now get questions about a possible mental health diagnosis of someone a friend knows! As a child and adolescent psychiatrist, that “someone” is the friend’s child! I regularly work with teens and their families to work through their mental health needs and find strategies for the well-being of all. Helping others understand mental health is my favorite part of the day, but sometimes, I look forward to not taking my work home.
As a father, it is becoming more important than ever to be present when I am home. It was decided early on that I should be responsible for the morning routine of my daughter, which included brushing teeth, flossing, and putting on clothes. For the first weeks, it was difficult trying to create a new morning routine for myself that included her routine within it.
Finally, I had a routine down that included music in the morning. Then, that did not work and became exercises. Then, that did not work and became coloring. Then, that did not work and became the struggle of getting her up and completing the morning routine. It turned into yelling and screaming and then, madness! The part that escaped my mind was that a few months ago, my daughter was diagnosed with ADHD – one of the many diagnoses the teens and families that I work with must work through.
Now, it is in my house… and I cannot fix it! After weeks of assuming that I knew best, I surrendered and opened my mind to the ability to allow failures. The perspective that I have now taken about being present has a whole different meaning. It is not winning the battle each day; it is about being in the moment and finding small successes. Now, I have a greater perspective on what some of the families I work with go through.
Lesson 1: Parenting creates compassion
You can plan and read as much as you want, but no parent has the perfect plan for their children. Furthermore, no parent has the perfect plan for themselves. It is full of trial and error…and that is ok! Parenting is full of mistakes, too – just like training to be a physician. Hippocrates has said, “wherever the art of medicine is loved, there is also a love of humanity.”
Parenting is hard, but one stays with it for the love of the child. Furthermore, there must be some love and compassion for me! Parenting has led to a greater level of compassion and dedication for my patients. Better yet, it has led to more compassion and dedication for myself.
HELLO…ARE YOU THERE?
Being on call is a well-known experience for every provider that is meant to challenge your stamina and brain power. After a long day of call, I left the hospital knowing that I needed to be home for dinner and would have more work to do at home. I came home so exhausted. During dinner, we talked about our highs, lows, and ha-has – a treasured way that we have decided to talk about important moments of the day. My eyes were slowly opening and closing while my daughter was talking, even in the middle of eating chicken! I got through the meal and then continued the night’s schedule to the bathroom and bedtime routines.
As I was reading to my daughter with different voices for characters, she suddenly called on me. “Daddy…daddy!” she said. I actually fell asleep for a second in the middle of telling the story. In the midst of my embarrassment, I quickly moved on with the same nonchalant attitude akin to accidentally tripping while walking down the street. After finishing the story, I apologized – “I am sorry I fell asleep” – and she stretched her arms out wide and said “huggie.” I left the room in pride after enjoying my “huggie.”
Lesson 2: Be present and enjoy the moment!
“Physicians find ‘being present’ with patients correlates strongly with finding meaning in their work.” The important part of learning as a doctor is to be present with our patients. The ability to connect to the patient is also crucial in caring for the patient. Being present can make you a better doctor, and not surprisingly, it will make you a better parent.
The “work-life” balance is not easy, going back to self-compassion, but it is worth the challenge. Like my daughter’s forgiveness, the momentary try, not the long-term success, is the most important part. As a physician and a parent, every moment of success is a step forward. As hard as it is, take in the moment.
As a physician, we are trained to be a lifelong learner which leads us to continue to read books and articles and listen to podcasts…even read this blog! As a parent, I continue to learn by reading, but not a book.
Instead, I am reading my child. In The Zen Mama’s Book of Quotes: A Collection of Thoughts and Wisdom Throughout The Ages, a homeschooling mother Angela Schwindt wrote, “while we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about.”
Conclusion
The lessons that I now learn from my child are making me a better parent. In reality, these lessons make me a better physician, too. It is truly amazing all the gifts that I have gained from the trials and tribulations of parenting. The learning does not end at this point, though, and I am filled with a great deal of both fear and excitement regarding what more lessons I will learn. As a parent and a physician, I hope the same is true for you!
